I've been thinking about this post for a while now. I've gone back and
forth about if I should write it or not. What I would say, how I would say it?
I have been feeling weighed down by social media lately. That there is no
portrayal of the good. That there is too much emphasis on the bad. People
posting horrible news reports, statistics, pictures of strangers who cut them
off in traffic, etc. I don't want to start an argument. I don't want to sound
naive or like Pollyanna. But I feel like being true to myself would require me
to say something. So here we go...
I know that there is a lot of garbage in the world. I know that there
are a lot of people seeking to harm others. I know about bullies,
pedophiles, kidnappers, pornography, etc., etc., etc. I know that I have to
teach my kids to be smart and safe and to stand up for themselves. But I also
know that there is a lot of good in the world. I know there are people who help
others, who teach others.
People who
have suffered abuse and have overcome and healed. I know that if I want
my children to be happy in this life I have to teach them about good, not just
how to avoid the bad.
The media-driven world we live in has a tendency to paint the world as a
horrible, dark and tough place, void of love or compassion. But, whether you
believe in God or not, most people believe in some source of good or light.
Hopefully all of us have felt a sense of peace from within (even if it was
fleeting), have been helped by someone else, or have had moments of contentment
between storms. I know that I can think of hundreds of stories of people
helping me unload my shopping cart, or picking up something I dropped, or
sending me an anonymous gift card in the mail, or cleaning my house, or making
me dinner. And I know other people have those experiences too but they
maybe aren't as entertaining to put on Facebook as "let me tell you about
the jerk I met in Target today...". And because today's population spends
so time on Facebook it might start to feel like we've experienced more bad than
good...simply because we've read about more bad than good.
As more and more articles make their way through my Facebook feed about
protecting our children from pedophiles, immodesty, bullies, and pornography,
I'm starting to feel like there are too many things to combat, that the world
is too far gone, and that my children are never going to be able to turn out
happy. I know it's not true based on my experience of good, but based upon the
articles I read online I can see how someone might reach the conclusion that
the world's headed down the crapper. So the question then has to be asked: how
much time are we spending "experiencing" life, and how much of our
time are we spending on social media? Are we giving equal value and time to our
real life relationships as we are to what we read on Facebook, the news, etc.?
Now those who know me know that I read a lot of articles. I love to
read. I love to discuss. Parenting tips, self help, child birth, economy,
health care, you name it. I have an opinion and I'm willing to talk your
ear off about it! But here's the thing: experience trumps what I've read
every time. Sometimes my experience shows me that what I've read is
correct, solidifying my position. But sometimes my experience will vary from
what I've read (childbirth). At that point my experience (epidurals are
awesome) trumps what I've read (if you have an epidural your baby will never
find love and may become a serial killer). So even though everyone else
might be telling you this is the only way to raise your kid, or this is the
article that will protect your family, or here's the “answer to life, the
universe, and everything” you don't have to accept it as truth. Because
you might have to figure it out for yourself: what worked for them might not
work for you, or they might just be a whackadoo. You never can tell. We've got
to start learning from our experiences and the experiences of people we trust
and stop putting all of our faith in things we read on the internet, even if
they are written by people with Ph.D.’s. My sister has a Ph.D. and she's
awesome but sometimes she's just wrong...and I as the older sister must point
that out from time to time ;) You're welcome! Anyway, to all of us, keep
studying and learning but don't forget to talk with others, learn from them,
and learn from our own experiences.
I understand the feeling of wanting to know everything that
is out there to harm our children. I don't want my kids to be bullied, or
abused, or see graphic images. I also don't want them to always walk around
waiting to be attacked. I think it's a balance. Are we spending as
much time telling our children about the joys of life as we are telling them
about the dangers? I worry that in an attempt to better prepare our children
for the cold, hard world we are actually turning them into cold and hard souls.
That we are so worried about seeing the world through rose-colored glasses that
we're actually making it impossible for our kids to see any joy at all. A great
quote from L.R. Knost says: “It's not our job to toughen our children up to
face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make
the world a little less cruel and heartless.” And so with that in mind...here
are some problems with modern parenting that I've been pondering lately.
When I was a teacher my school had just started their anti-bully campaign.
It was interesting to me that the more the counselor came in to talk about
bullies...the more my students seem to think they were being bullied.
Numberless fingers were pointed at one another, "you bully" became
the new putdown, and every disagreement was a sign that bullies were taking
over the school. So for the 5th graders, the take home message for them was:
"Bullies are everywhere. Anyone who disagrees with you is a bully.
You will be bullied". The other thing was that the leaders never
addressed not being a bully yourself. So my students would all get into
arguments and assume that they were the one standing up to a bully. It
never occurred to them that they might be the bully in the argument! Same with
the parents. They'd all get together to talk about the anti-bully
campaign but they would talk about the "bully" like there was some
oversized orphan who hiked in from the train station just to bully their kids instead
of stopping to realize that if there was a bully problem in our class then it
meant one of their kids was being a bully. And they also weren't stopping to
consider the fact that it wasn't just black and white. They were thinking
that you either are all the way a bully or all the way innocent. Very rarely,
in my experience, was there just one giant thug who was a bully all of the
time. It was more a case of everyone taking a turn being a bully about
different things.
So I'm not saying that we shouldn't teach our kids about bullying but I am
saying that the method we are using doesn't work. Instead of trying to teach
them all the horrible things a bully might do, why don’t we teach them what
bully would not do. Teach them what a good citizen looks like so that they can
see people for what they really are and know what they should be striving for.
So that they can think “Is Johnny really a bully, or is he just having a bad
day?" When we only teach them what a bully acts like they tend to
think everyone is a bully. Then they grow up to think that everyone is out to
get them. I know people like that and their happiness is limited and their
progression is stopped because they feel held down by others. They give
away their power to others who they believe are doing them harm.
I don't want that for my children. I
want them to look for the good in people too. So that when they do come
across a bully they know how to handle the situation, they know that their
reaction is more important than the other person’s action, and that no matter
what other people may do to them…they are loved by someone! I want them to know
that there are more people willing to build them up than rip them down.
I was also constantly amazed at what my students already knew about and were
talking about. Garbage video games where they were blowing people
away. Pornography they had found on their parents computer. It was
truly scary. I know that we have to talk to our children about these things so
that they can hear it from us first and not from their peers. But there
is a lot of specifics about pornography that I don't even know about, let alone
want my kids to know about. And this might sound naive, but I really
don't think that just because some kids in the class know all the specific
terminology for this garbage that we need to teach all the kids that
terminology. I’ve lived a pretty healthy and happy life not knowing it
and I think my kids can too. I know that there are a lot of websites and images
out there dedicated to dehumanizing men and women. There is a lot of
cruelty out there. But instead of trying to protect our kids by telling them
all the specific horrible ways that sex can be manipulated and ruined, isn't it
more effective to teach them about what healthy sex and relationships are like?
Then when/if someone wants them to do or watch something that isn't healthy
they will know it is wrong.
It just doesn't make sense to me that we would introduce our kids to filthy
words and ideas just so that we don't have to worry about other people
introducing those words and ideas to our kids. Since we don’t know which one
they might be introduced to we are going to fill their head with all of the hundreds
of things it might be. So once again, I'm not saying we shouldn't warn them
about the evils that are out there, I just think we need to spend equal time
talking about the good side of things too. So that they feel empowered to
make correct decisions for themselves and they don't walk away from the
conversation thinking sex is a horrible, dirty thing, because it isn't.
Also by talking openly and often about things, and speaking without fear, we
can keep lines of communication open between our children and ourselves.
So that when one of their peers teaches them some disgusting word we never
thought of they will be comfortable enough to come and ask us what it means instead
of being scared that we are going to launch into a whole giant speech about
other filthy words that they might also hear. Don't go to dark places in an
effort to keep your kids away from them. Stand clearly in the light and
let your children follow you there.
The final parenting issue I want to talk about is trust. I have read
so many parenting articles about teaching our kids not to trust anyone.
It's a concept that I have a hard time with. Obviously we hear
heartbreaking stories of children being abused by the people they should have been
able to trust the most. I know that you can't always tell who might abuse
or harm your child. But the current solution to that problem seems to be,
don't trust anyone around your child! Suspect your parents, your husband, you
siblings, etc. It just seems like such a hard way to live your life. I
agree we have to be careful who we can trust but at some point, in order to
live a healthy life, you are going to have to connect with people enough to
trust them. I know this can be hard when we've had our trust broken before, but
there are people who are worthy of trust. Let your experience and intuition
guide you. Don't withhold your trust from a deserving relationship just
because you read an article online telling you about someone else who should
not have been trusted. And furthermore, since we can't predict what a liar
looks like, wouldn't it be more effective to teach our kids what a trustworthy
person acts like? Someone who deserves our trust helps us feel calm, won’t
hurt us, doesn't ask us to keep secrets, etc. Then when they come across
someone who isn't meeting those criteria they will know to tell us about it. More
heartbreaking than the abuse stories are the stories of victims who didn’t
think they could tell anyone. Who stayed in their abusive situation because
they thought others would judge them, no one could help. Because in a lot of
those cases, people would have helped them! Had they been told, had they been
trusted.
If the only message they are
hearing is don't trust anyone, how will they know they can trust us to help?
I obviously don't want my children to be taken advantage of, but I also
don't want them to walk through life thinking they are going to be attacked at
every turn. I just think it's a balance. For as much as we are
warning our kids about "tricky" people who want to hurt them, are we
teaching our kids about the trustworthy people who can help them? There
is danger in living in extremes. We can cripple ourselves just as much by
not trusting anyone as we can by being too trusting. While not trusting
anyone might keep our children safe from harm, it may also hold them back from
growing, loving, and being built up.
It terrifies me that no matter how much I study, prepare, and pray I can't
keep my children 100% safe 100% of the time. I certainly can’t keep them
from feeling heartbreak or knowing sadness. I know that for every way I
can think of to protect my kids there is probably someone out there who could
think of 10 ways to hurt them. I understand these realities but yet I
still have hope for my children. I believe that there are people out
there who will love them, defend them, and respect them. I want them to
know that I see good in the world, so that they can see good in the
world. I'd feel horrible that if through my attempts to educate them about
the evils of the world I had planted the seeds of anger and fear in their
hearts. I know there are cold hard truths that I'm going to have to
explain to my kids. I know that there are cold hard truths they will
learn about through their own experiences too. It's part of being in this
world. But I also know I've had a lot of joy in my life and that they
will too. I've had family and friends who I could trust. They've
helped me get through situations where I've been mistreated by others whom I
could not trust. They've also been there when I've hurt others through my
ignorance or miscommunications. I've been loved. I've been
forgiven. I’ve been able to forgive. I'm still learning. I'm
excited for my kids to be able to do all of those things too.
So I'm trying to be more balanced in my parenting. I want my children
to know good from evil. So that means I have to teach them about both! I
want my daughters to know that even though there are people who might abuse
them, there are also people who will love them. Even though there are
murderers, liars, deviants, perverts, and bullies there are also heroes,
helpers, teachers, counselors and lovers. For every boy who might degrade
women, there is also a boy who is willing to cherish them. Even though our
world may be filled with distorted pornographic images of sex, I still believe
it is also filled with loving couples with healthy relationships that can
withstand the storms of life. More than what we say, our children will
emulate what we do. They will see the world how we see the world. Not how we
tell them to see the world. Are we looking for the good? Or are we seeking for
the garbage?! Are we teaching them to seek out the virtuous, the lovely, the
things of good report, the praiseworthy?
More than just turning my kids away from wrong, I want to turn them toward
right. So they can be with the right people in the right places with the
right timing. So that even when I'm not there to protect them they can protect
themselves. They can make better decisions because they understand WHY
they are making those decisions. Not because they are scared of the worst, but
because they are hopeful for the best.
