Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Perfect New Year's Goals and the Imperfect People Who Make Them

As I've been considering the resolutions I make this year I've felt impressed to share them on my blog.  I say I've felt impressed to share them because they aren't really the type of goals that I'm accustomed to making for myself. They are not very pretty or flashy.  In  fact, I'm probably going to embarrass myself over and over again to accomplish them.  Interest piqued? Good! Read on...

In order to share these goals with you I'm going to have to be honest about the current condition of my mental health and that is a really scary thing to do. But at least it proves I do still, in fact, have a mind after having  five kids so that's hopeful. This post might be surprising or even confusing to some but there are others out there who will know all to well what I'm talking about and I'd love for them to know that they are not alone.

In the midst of instagram, pinterest, and lifestyle blogs I think sometimes we begin to forget what real life looks like. And although I've never purposefully tried to be unrealistic I think I've definitely been guilty of only posting the good parts of me on social media.  So, this post is about the other side of life.   This part of life doesn't get beautifully photographed or attached to our Christmas letters.  But for many of us it's always there.  Sometimes loud and large, sometimes small and almost unseen.  The hard, ugly, not fun part of life that gets overlooked and hidden until it roars and looms and won't be ignored any longer. And while this post would probably be easier to write in a year from now when things are less raw, or even ten years from now when parts begin to become fuzzy, I think perhaps it can have the most impact now. And so as scary as it is to write, this is the story of my postpartum depression and what it's taught me about the world we live in now.

Mentally, physically and emotionally the task of making resolutions this year has seemed completely overwhelming to me.  Not to mention, you know, actually following through on any kind of self improvement tasks. Usually a new year brings me excitement and a sense of purpose but this year has found me exhausted, confused and at times completely hopeless. The self help books, religious articles and motivational speeches that would have once left me feeling driven, determined and ready to be better have left me feeling alone, abandoned and broken. 

Two years ago I was at the peak of my game.  I had lost 50 lbs. I ran my first half marathon. I was teaching preschool, serving as a PTA officer at my kids' school, running a small cake decorating business, teaching the women's group at church and updating my mom blog pretty regularly.  If I ever had free time I would feel guilty and fill it up with something else. And I wore my "busy-ness" badge with pride.  Yes, pride.  Because I'd bought into the idea that my worth as a person was no more than the sum total of what I could accomplish in a day.  A very easy trap to fall in to and one that I'll address more later.

For now lets fast forward to six months ago.  I moved across town and had my fifth child! A beautiful little boy that is a huge blessing in my life! But it was a rough pregnancy and I had to give up several items on my check list. Then I ended up in a c-section after spending months commuting an hour away to a doctor who would do a vbac.  And I felt like a failure. So I decided this failure was because I just working hard enough. So I recommitted to my checklists and 5 days after my c-section I was back out in the world sitting poolside while my kids swam with friends.  And I started back to exercising at 3 weeks. And I cleaned the whole house. And I organized the kids clothes.  And I wound up back at the doctors with an infection and exhausted and was told that I needed to slow down.  So I did.  For about 2 days.  Then I was still unhappy so I found thing after thing to blame this unhappiness on...first it was my wardrobe.  Nothing fit. So I bought new clothes. Still unhappy.  Must be that my house needed work, fixed up the house. Still unhappy.  So I moved on to the next thing...

Finally, after about two months of failed attempts to resume my pre-baby lifestyle I found myself exhausted, angry, agitated and quite frankly confused as to what to do.  The activities that had once brought my joy (cooking, organizing, volunteering) now just brought me frustration and depression.  The activities that had once recharged my batteries (parties, book club, being social) brought only anxiety and agitation. Unable to cover up how I was feeling for long periods of time I began to attend less.  I'd show up late or leave early when I felt like people might see the real me peeking through.  I stopped blogging and volunteering. I stopped cleaning or cooking. And I finally let the depression and anxiety overtake me and I felt completely swallowed up. My husband covered for me when he could and once a week I'd put on my smile and head out to church and for a while the charade worked and no one knew a thing. And it got to the point where I looked at my life and I honestly couldn't see anything that I was doing right. And it got to the point where I couldn't remember ever doing anything right. And I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything right ever.

Luckily, I have a husband, and family, and a few close friends who convinced me to seek help.  And it was scary and hard to admit that I needed others help and the lessons that I've learned about postpartum health, and mental health, and medication, and therapy, and meditation could fill a whole blog.  But, I'm already six paragraphs into this post and I'm still not at my point so I'm going to jump over all the lessons I've learned and get to the point...

New Year's goals!  This experience with depression and anxiety has caused me to look at my life and think about what is and isn't working.  The most shocking realization for me was that even when I was accomplishing my whole list I wasn't happy. And as I look back at the goals I've made for myself in the past I can see that they haven't made me happy.  Regardless of how many things I was checking off my list, I was still living life on the verge of a breakdown.  So why? Why can I try to do good things and not end up in a good place? And I realized it's because I haven't done things with the right intentions.  My way of looking at goals was I'm going to try and be better at X,Y, and Z because then maybe I'll be a good person, more worthy, more well-liked.  When I really should have been saying because I'm a good and worthy person I'm going to do X,Y, and Z to help me improve.  The difference is slight but important.

What are some of the wrong reasons to do good things? Maybe some of us make goals out of guilt.  Or because others expect it of us. Or maybe we pick our goals because they look the prettiest on social media or so that others will know how good we are.  Maybe some of us pick goals because everyone else is doing it. Or maybe we pick goals for the joy of making a list.  Or because we are competitive.

I recently re-read a talk about the difference between doing and being by Lynn G. Robbins. He says "Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s...Do without be—hypocrisy—portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself."  I've been doing without being.  We can do this all the time.  People can memorize scriptures all day long but if they don't apply what they are reading (like becoming kinder or more humble) then it hasn't really effected who they are at all.  We can go to church and learn about God but if we don't believe that he loves all of his children equally we haven't learned anything. We can make the most perfect, picture worthy, food for our families but still be an emotionally neglectful parent. We can lose 50 lbs. and still be an unhealthy person.

So how do we switch our thinking?  When we make a goal to lose weight is it so that we'll feel healthier and happier or is because we think society is judging us because we don't look like a billboard ad? When we make a spiritual goal is it to bring us closer to God and our fellow man or is to distinguish ourselves as more spiritual than someone else. When we talk to our children about goal-setting is our emphasis on them getting better grades, cleaning their room better, and looking perfect on Sunday or are we talking about the more important things in life like being kind and patient, actually learning things instead of just memorizing facts, and forming healthy relationships with others. We have to break free of guilt, shame, and expectation and start goal setting using hope, joy, and love.

In that spirit,  I am trying to make goals this year that will actually help me be a better person, not just look like a better person. Instead of trying to cover up my flaws by doing more good things, I'm going to try to do less of the things that are bad for me. So without further ado, my goals...

Goal #1) Care less about what other people think of me.  I think writing this embarrassingly honest blog post is a good start! When we choose actions based on what other people might think of us we can drive ourselves crazy.  This doesn't mean that we don't consider other people's feelings. But just that we also consider our own feelings as equally important.  So I'm going to spend less time being a door mat or a punching bag. When we allow others opinions or expectations to dictate our actions then we are "doing" without actually "being".  We also stand the risk of being wishy-washy as we are tossed about from one persons opinion to the next.  I'm going to be more confidant in the things I believe, or feel, or want and express those to the people around me.  I'm also going to focus on the opinions that matter most to my family, my Savior and myself.  I'm going to spend less time seeing how many of my junior high school friends "like" my status. I'm going to speak my mind more. I'm going to worry less about if people are upset or offended by me by trusting that they will tell me when they are. And if they decide to gossip about me or harbor grudges that's on them. When someone brings up something they think I could do better or differently I'm not going to immediately cave.  I will listen to their opinion and then decide either A) yes, they are right and I need to change or B) I'm going to stand strong in my opinion on this. I'm going to be more realistic about what is going on in my life. I'm going to allow myself to be happy when I feel happy and sad when I feel sad. And I'm going to have faith that the people who matter will love me anyway.

Goal #2)  Care less about what other people are doing. Well this sounds like a jerk move! But what I mean by this is that I'm going to do less comparing and competing.  Isn't there a saying like unhappiness comes from counting others people's blessings more than your own.  If not, there should be on account of it would really help the point I'm trying to make! How will I make this a measurable goal? I'm going to spend less time on social media. I'm going to uninstall apps that don't make happy.  I'm going to be more genuinely happy for others successes by realizing that they don't make mine less.  I'm going to realize that we usually aren't seeing the whole picture and that people all have struggles. If people do something that hurts me I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident. I'm going to spend less time being upset by other people. I'm going to forgive and let things go faster.  I'm going to engage less in unhealthy competition. I say unhealthy competition because we all need a little competition in our lives to move us forward but I've let it get out of control.  Don't worry, I'll still be doing fitbit challenges, but when someone tries to compete about money, kids, houses, who's busier, etc. I'm not going to engage. I'm going to realize more that people don't really care all that much about what I'm doing either.  So I can spend more time enjoying my kids school performance and less time getting the perfect picture for instagram.  Bam! I just reclaimed like 10 minutes of my life every day!

Goal #3) Do less. Um, isn't this the exact opposite of setting a goal? Probably.  But I've been doing a lot of things that just really aren't that important.  I go full speed and fill up every part of my day until I get overly tired and crash and burn.  This year I'm going to try and take small breaks along the way so that I can stay more even.  I'm going to say no more often. (That should be easy, right? Since I'm caring less about what other people think of me) I'm going to realize I can't be all things to all people and that I have to prioritize what I'm doing.  I understand that where I spend my time is effecting who I become.  Do I spend it with my kids? Do I spend it doing mundane chores? Do I spend it on facebook? I understand that I still have to do things I don't want to do but I've got to find a healthier balance by sprinkling in some things I do want to do.  I have to clean my house but I doesn't have to be immaculate.  I have to feed my family but I'm not a failure if we have to have chicken nuggets one night.  I have to exercise but it's okay if I'm not running marathons. I'm not going to feel guilty if I do something fun before all of my chores are done.  Some days I'm going to nail my entire to-do list and some days I'm going to binge watch old episodes of West Wing and I'm an equally awesome person on both. I'm going to let people know my limits more. Oh, and I also might take a nap sometime.  Yeah, that would be sweet.

Goal #4) See goal #3 and stop adding more goals to the list.

Do I still need/want to lose weight? Sure! Do I still have a goodreads goal? Yep! But this year I'm going to focus more on what I am ("a super girl working on her degree") and less time worrying if I'm doing enough. The journey to becoming a better person starts with believing you are already a good and worthwhile person.  That's a step I've been missing in the past.  Becoming a stronger, healthier person is going to feel uncomfortable at times.  I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to fail. I'm going to accidentally step on others toes and misspeak. It's not going to look perfect or pinterest worthy. But I'm doing it anyway.  By doing less of the things that are holding me back I'm going to move forward.  By spending less time on things that make me ultimately unhappy I'm going to have more time to look for joy, love and peace.  If you need someone to remind you that you are a good and worthy person too I'm here for you! Happy New Year!

Monday, August 22, 2016

School lunches

Well today was my first full day with 4 out of 5 kids at school!  I miss them but I have to admit it was a little awesome :)  I got so much done and all the stuff I did stayed done for more than 5 minutes!  Woohoo!

One thing I did today, that I've wanted to do every year, is make school lunch bins.  The kind where I prepackaged produce, sorted out sweet and salty snacks, and got ready for lunches ahead of time. Now that I'm sending four lunches to school each day I decided I needed to be better prepared.  My kids love to take leftovers for lunch and they are pretty good about eating different sandwiches too so I'm usually set on the main course/protein part of the meal but my kids are also supposed to have two snacks for morning and afternoon snack time which can sometimes leave me scrambling to fill in the gaps of their lunch. So I finally decided it was time to prep! I decided to make one fruit/veggie bin, a dairy bin, a savory snack bin, and a sweet treat bin. It didn't take very long and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty fun too!  (Which tells me that I probably need to get out more!) So if you've ever thought about giving it a try here are some tips/ideas that I had while doing it.

 First, here are some benefits of sorting out lunch items ahead of time:

1) It saves money! The pre-portioned snacks are so much more expensive than buying in bulk but they are so much more convenient.  I usually buy the small applesauce packs and go-gurts for lunches and buy a big jar of applesauce or container of yogurt for home.  By putting them in lunch bins it makes the snacks last longer because my kids know what is off limits after school! To save even more money you can pre-portion your own snacks.  Bag your own pretzels, gold fish, etc. or buy a big thing of yogurt and put it in little containers yourself.

2) It's easier to keep the pantry and fridge stocked!  No more thinking the pantry is full when in fact half the boxes are secretly empty.  This makes it so much easier to see what I have and what I'm running low on.  It also helps keep things rotated.  And helps me make sure that the produce all gets used up in time.

3) It helps give the kids a chance to pack there own lunches.  I can just tell the kids to pick one thing out of each bin and then I know they have one fruit or veggie, one dairy, one carb and one sweet treat.  Plus when my kids feel like they are picking their own lunch there is a lot better chance they are actually going to eat it when they get to school!

4) It saves time. Instead of having to open a ton of packaging, washing produce, etc every morning it's already done ahead of time when you aren't frantically trying to catch a bus.

5) It just looks cool! Seriously, it makes the pantry look so much nicer.  I feel happy every time I look in there.  Instead of 100 boxes crammed on top of each other and ripped open by kids I just have a few bins with lids on.  It makes me feel like one of those  organized people I hear about on pinterest :)

Next, I want to share some of the things my kids like to put in their lunches:

Fruit/Veggie ideas:
mini carrots
mini sweet peppers
cut up melon

Dip ideas (to go with produce):
ranch dressing
peanut butter

Dairy ideas:
cheese sticks
baby bell cheese

Savory snacks:
gold fish
beef jerky
cheese crackers
peanut butter crackers

Sweet treats:
jello w/fruit cups
fruit cocktail cups
fruit snacks
granola bars

Lastly, I'm always looking for new ideas of what to put in my kids lunches so let me know what you like to pack in lunches in the comments! It's always fun to think of new things or learn about new products that are out there :) Happy lunch making!

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Emeline- A Birth Story

Maybe it's because I can't believe I have a ten year old or maybe it's because we have a 1 week old newborn but I've been reflecting on my kids' birth stories a lot this week. I realized that while I've written their stories down privately I've never really written them down for others. So for their birthdays this year I'm going to try and record them here.

I feel like I've told Emeline's birth story millions of times but then I'm always surprised by close friends and family who have never heard it. So I've decided after a decade I'm finally ready to write it all down :)

It's not that I don't like telling it but there are a few reasons that make me pause.  1) It was a very stressful night but also one of my most sacred. I regard a lot of the story a miracle but I know not everyone believes in those. 2) I hate when people tell newly pregnant ladies their "horror" stories and 3) because I know I have some friends who have not had happy endings to their stories like these and I love them and don't want to cause them pain.

Sometimes I feel like Emmy's story has become a kind of urban legend in my small town. People will often ask me to tell it in groups. Medical staff that were present use it to freak out new nurses when we go in for Emmy's annual check ups.  I will still to this day have firefighters, paramedics, and nurses that I don't recognize come up to me and say that they were there the morning Emmy was born and that they still remember everything.  Every time we have to see a new specialist and they read her medical records they always say "this has to be a typo". But it isn't! So here it is...

We moved to our little town when I was about 7 months pregnant with Emmy.   Since I was switching obstetricians so late in the game my new doctor decided to do a new set of ultrasounds.  In those ultrasounds Emmy was not moving, had a low heart rate and hadn't grown as much as she should have by then.  At that point I was labeled high risk and had to start weekly non-stress tests where they have you drink some cold water and track the baby's movements. After a few weeks of failing the NSTs and Emmy not moving or growing they decided there was a problem with Emeline's umbilical cord and it would be best to induce labor and get her here.

So on Aug. 2nd I went to the hospital to have our first little girl.  After about 19 hours and a couple rounds of pitocin I was stalled out at about a 7.  I finally decided to go ahead and get an epidural at about 2:00am on Aug 3rd.  By 2:30 I was ready to push and Emeline was born at 3:03.

Emeline was pretty purple and the doctor could not get her to breathe. After two minutes of trying to get her to breathe the doctor tried to use an oxygen bag on her but there was something blocking the air from getting to Emmy's lungs.  At this point she lost her heartbeat also and a code blue was called.  We were lucky to live in a small town because no patients were in the E.R. that night so they sent up two doctors from there to help us.  Our pediatrician was also called and made a 12 minute drive to the hospital in about 4 min. (Something he is very proud of!).  By the time everyone was assembled Emmy had been without oxygen for 15 minutes and had lost her heartbeat once. The E.R. doctor that came to assist started working on placing a chest tube but her little lungs still wouldn't inflate.

The first time I remember looking at the clock was at 3:23.  It had been exactly 20 min. since Emmy was born with still no cry, sound or breath and I remember thinking this was it.  In moments like that your brain goes through a lot of different thoughts at once.  Terror, wishing for miracles, complete blank.  At one point I remember thinking, we'll just get pregnant again and have another baby.  And then you snap to and think "No, I want THIS baby!!!".  I remember wanting to pray for Emeline but I couldn't get words out or remember how to put a prayer together. The hymn "The Lord is my Shepard" popped into my head and I started singing it out loud.  One of the doctor's told the nurse to get me out of the room because I was losing it and so I told them I'd be quiet if they let me stay.  Then suddenly the chest tube worked and they got oxygen into the lungs.

 Unfortunately the pressure blew a hole through the bottom of her right lung but they were able to start doing some breathing for her.  Once this happened they needed to wheel her to another room for more space and I think also because they didn't want Alex and I in the same room if they lost her.  5 minutes later my doctor came in and said that they had lost a heartbeat a second time and that they had tried everything but Emeline wasn't going to make it.  This was when I finally started crying and we quickly called my parents to tell them to come to the hospital so that they could at least meet Emmy.

At 3:33, 30 minutes after Emeline was born my doctor came back in the room and told us that after Emeline's heart failed for the third time they had decided that nothing else could be done and stepped back from Emmy.  She then told us that she wasn't a religious person but that once the doctors stepped back "an unseen presence entered the room and put life into Emeline".  Her heart started beating, she took her first unaided breath and turned pink.

While Emeline was now stable the next question was what the lack of oxygen had done to her body.  The three things they worry most about are the brain, eyes and kidneys at this point. The doctors told us that even though Emmy would probably survive there was a chance that she might be brain dead. In order to stop the brain from receiving further damage they decided to basically put her into a coma using medication.  Before doing that they allowed Alex, me and my parents to see her.

I was still being put back together so to speak so I was the last one to be wheeled into the small closet of a NICU that they have at our little medical center. While I was on my way she peed for the first time which was a hopeful sign for her kidney functions.  When I got to the room there was only one little hand that didn't have something attached to it.  I held it and gave it a little kiss and said that I was her mom and I loved her and then she turned her little head and opened her eyes for the first time!  The nurses got very excited because her eyes opening was another hopeful sign that she could respond to things.

Emeline needed to be transported to a bigger hospital about an hour and a half away but she needed too much equipment to fit into the usual helicopter.  So we had to wait until a small airplane could come up from the other hospital to get her.  We are LDS, so during this wait time Alex called our bishop (which is the ecclesiastical leader for our church group) and he came and helped Alex give me and Emeline priesthood blessings of health and peace.  Our pediatrician, then realizing we were LDS, talked about how one of his sons friends had given them a Book of Mormon and that he'd read part of it before.  He then told us about how he'd been in the room when Emeline started breathing and that he knew it was a miracle. He still tells this story as often as he can.  Pretty much any time we are at the doctor's office for Emmy he'll pull a nurse into the room and say "see this girl, she was born dead and look at her now!"  Each of the other nurses and doctors who had been part of helping Emmy also told us about the experience and how it was the biggest miracle they had witnessed.  With many adding "and I'm not a religious person" :)

The airplane couldn't land at the hospital so Emmy needed to be taken to the airport via ambulance first.  When the airplane was ready about half of the fire department came to the hospital to pick up Emeline and get her to the airport.  There wasn't room for Alex and I to fly with her so Alex and my dad started the drive down to the new hospital. My doctor decided that I had lost a lot of blood and needed to stay one more night in the hospital before I could drive down.

By the time I finally made it down to see Emeline again she was about to be taken off of her ventilator.  Finally, about 48 hours after she was born, I got to hold her for the first time! Over the next two weeks in the NICU she continued to get better and stronger.  She passed test after test and was allowed to come home.  She was still on an oxygen tank and some prescriptions that kept her pretty sleepy but we were out of the hospital at last!

From that point it was just a waiting game to see what parts of the brain would be affected.  But she kept meeting many of her benchmarks.  She was eating well, smiling, responding to sound, etc.  As we continued to meet with an occupational therapist we did start to notice that in gross motor she began to fall behind.  She started to sit up at about 1 year and was almost two when she took her first steps (during a game of charades by the way!).  She had a hard time swallowing and drooled a lot.  This made eating and talking difficult for her too. Around 18 months she started working with a physical therapist and speech therapist.  At 3 years old she started at the developmental preschool in our district so she could have even more access to speech, OT and PT services.

Today Emmy is doing wonderfully!  She has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. She wears braces (AFO's) on both legs to help with her gait.  She's graduated out of speech but will probably continue with OT and PT the rest of her life.  She is such a hard worker and is always competing against herself to do things better, faster, etc.  Once when she was around 4 years old this little boy at the park kept telling her how slow she was.  So she came over to me and asked me to time her on the ladder to the slide.  She kept doing it over and over until she thought her time was fast enough.  That story always sticks with me because it really illustrates Emmy's approach to life!

I've sometimes been asked by other special needs mamas why I don't talk about it more.  I just want Emmy to be able to tell her own story in the way she wants it told.  I step in when she asks me to and we've talked with friends, or family, or classmates about what cerebral palsy is.  But I don't want Emmy to be defined only by cerebral palsy.  It's a part of who she is but it's not everything.  Just like I'm not just a special needs mom, it's a part of who I am.  And honestly, now that I have 5 kiddos I can see that all of us have special needs.  Some of our needs are easier to see than others but all of us have strengths and weaknesses that we are working on all of the time.  

I am so grateful for all of the things I've learned by being a mom to each of my kids.  Emmy teaches me new lessons daily.  (I have a lot to learn!) Even though I wish I could take away her struggles and I still grapple with feelings of guilt from her birth experience I do have peace that this is the way things are and the way they were supposed to be.  I know that our family has grown and changed so much because of it.  I think sometimes we look back and play the what if game.  And we always assume that had we done things differently maybe it would have turned out better.  But I think we have also acknowledge that maybe they would have turned out worse.  Even though so many things went wrong with Emeline's birth, so many other things went right.  There were ER doctors to spare, our pediatrician could get there quickly because it was the middle of the night, etc.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who were involved in saving Emeline's life.  I can't even count all of the people who have been involved in her healing and growth and learning since then.  We've been blessed with amazing doctors, specialists, nurses, therapists, and teachers who love Emeline and do so much good in her world!  I sometimes read stories about people mistreating others with special needs or articles about "what not to say to mom's of special needs kiddos" etc. And while there have been hard moments where family or friends have not understood Emmy's disability or said something thoughtless there are mostly really happy moments where people just go out of their way to love Emmy or help our family.  I love watching how kind other kids can be. I love getting to meet other parents or people that just give so much time to serve my little girl.

I can't believe it's been 10 years since she was born.  When I think back to that first day, there was no way I could have ever predicted what life would have looked like today!  -For one thing, I thought Emmy was going to be an only child :) I'm so lucky to have such a great kid! She's an amazing big sister for her siblings and she's got a giant spirit!  I hope she has a great birthday. I love you Emeline!

Thanks for reading!

Monday, February 29, 2016

Cheese Steak Sandwiches

So, I've had a major food aversion to meat this pregnancy but the other day I just really wanted a steak! I knew I probably couldn't actually tolerate eating a whole steak so I opted for these cheese steak sandwiches.

I first made this recipe a couple of years ago and I'm surprised I haven't already shared it here on the blog actually! It's super easy and yummy and 3 out my 4 kids even eat it. :)

Here are a few notes on this recipe: 1) Don't cheap out on the bread.  Get a good baguette to put this on! Something that will hold together but also taste delicious. 2) if not everyone is in agreement about mushrooms you can always saute them in a separate pan and people can add them as desired! 3) Some people like them with just the meat and cheese but I find it a little dry.  We add chipotle mayo to our and it is yummy! I've included it as optional in the recipe.  We just use Kraft brand but there are also some fancier looking chipotle sauces at the store or you can make you own! 4) Before slicing the roast get the meat really cold.  You can put it in the freezer for about an hour or leave it in the back of you fridge for a day before you make the recipe. This will help you slice it thinner and the thinner you cut it the more tender it will be in the sandwich.

Cheese Steak Sandwiches
2 lb. eye of round roast
olive oil 
1 green bell pepper (sliced into strips)
1 sweet onion (sliced into strips)
4-5 white mushrooms (sliced)
salt and pepper (to taste)
1 T. Worcestershire sauce
6-8 slices provolone cheese
chipotle mayo (optional) (we use Kraft but you can make your own)
6  hoagie rolls or baguettes

Slice cold meat as thinly as you can.  Break up slices into bite sized strips.

In a large frying pan, heat 1-2 T. olive oil and add bell pepper, onion and mushrooms. Saute until softened.  Remove from pan.  Add 1-2 more T. of olive oil, meat, salt, pepper and wocestershire sauce to pan.  Heat over medium heat, draining frequently, until meat is cooked through.  I drain my meat throughout the cooking process so that the meat gets a little crispy on the edges instead of getting tough. You can also use your cooking utensil to kind of break the meat up into bite sized pieces. Add veggie mixture back to the pan and mix together with the meat.

Turn off heat.  Cover entire pan with sliced provolone cheese and allow to melt.  Dish up meat and cheese mixture onto each of the hoagies.  Top with chipotle mayo if desired. Enjoy!

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Buttermilk Pancakes (and Strawberry Syrup)

Forgive my super bad picture that I snapped really fast Christmas morning!  But I promise these are delicious!  Maybe I'll have to make them again so that I can get a better picture ;)

When my Grandma passed away I inherited her old Betty Crocker cookbook along with her recipes for homemade dog food and beer.  Since I don't need dog food or beer I decided to flip through her cookbook and see what I could find.  One recipe that has definetely stood out is this buttermilk pancake recipe! Delicious!  They come out perfect and fluffy every time.  My favorite part is that you just mix it all in  one big bowl. No combining dry ingredients and then mixing in wet ingredients or anything like that.  Just dump it all in and stir.

This Christmas I paired them with homemade strawberry syrup and it was a success.  Sugar on top of dough will do that ;)  I included the syrup recipe at the bottom of the page.  Give the pancakes a try with or without the syrup.  Easy and worth it!

Buttermilk Pancakes
2 eggs
2 cups flour
2 cups buttermilk
1/4 cup milk (plus extra if needed)
4 T. vegetable oil
2 T. sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt

In a large mixing bowl beat the egg until fluffy.  Beat in all other ingredients just until smooth.  Add extra milk if batter is too thick. Pour about 3 T. of batter onto a hot griddle until puffed and cooked around the edges.  Turn and cook other side until golden.  Continue with rest of the batter.

Strawberry syrup
1 bag frozen strawberries
1 T. lemon juice
2/3 cup granulated sugar
1-2 T. cornstarch
2 T. water

Put strawberries in a medium saucepan and begin to heat over low heat.  As strawberries thaw, crush and chop slightly with a potato masher.  Increase heat to medium high. Add lemon juice and sugar and bring to a boil.

Combine and cornstarch and water in a small bowl and stir until smooth.  Add cornstarch mixture to the strawberries and continue to cook until thickened.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

This I Believe

So for book group this month we read "This I Believe". It's a collection of short essays from different people (both famous and common man) that discuss a personal belief that they are the most certain about.  They range from very general philosophies like the meaning of life, to very contained philosophies like be nice to the pizza delivery guy.  It is based on the NPR series of the same name that was hosted by Edward R. Murrow in the 1950's.

As part of book group, the person hosting challenged us to write our own essays and since it's been ages since I did any kind of recreational writing I decided to give it a go.  And since it's been ages since I posted on this blog I decided to post it here! The essay is not supposed to sum up your entire world philosphy in one page, but instead focus on one aspect of life that you really believe to be true. Let me know what you think.  I had so much fun hearing others essays last night...I'd love to hear what you believe too!

I believe there are a lot of things I don’t know.  There are way more things that I don’t know than things that I do know.  I don’t say that to sound ominous or negative in any way.  But I think sometimes it’s hard to admit that there are a lot of things we don’t know, or don’t do well, or don’t understand…so I’m just coming out and saying it at the beginning of this essay… I don’t know a lot of things.

When looked at it in the wrong light this truth can be damaging, depressing, and halt us in our progression.  We can’t know it all so why even try.  But, given a positive place to grow, our admission that we don’t know very much can actually help us change and bloom.

Believing that we don’t know everything can help us be curious and hopeful.  It gives us the desire to pursue knowledge.  It gives us the ability to change our thoughts and our actions.  It helps us listen to other people. It makes us want to add new things to the world, say new things, and participate in life.  It stops us from getting up on soapboxes and saying things we will have to take back.  It keeps us asking "why" instead of just "what".  

Believing that we don’t know everything helps us be less judgmental.  We can understand that there is a lot going on with others that we don’t see. There are many in the world who think they can tell who is happy just by what they write on Facebook.  There are many in the world who think they know who is healthy based on what jean size they wear. There are many in the world who think they can tell if a person is a hard worker based on the size of their paycheck.  When we recognize that there is a lot we don’t know, we can see beyond what people say and focus on what people do.  We can see past fake smiles and light pleasantries and really get to know the people around us.  We can empathize with others worries and trials. We can celebrate their triumphs and be genuinely happy for others. We can have more compassion for our fellow man.

Believing that we don’t know everything helps us be more forgiving.  We realize that often the things people do and say have little to do with us at all.  We can see past people’s cruelty and see their hurt.  We can see past their pessimism and see the loneliness.  We can see past a carelessly made comment and see that people are trying. We can give people the benefit of the doubt.  We can take on less of what isn’t really meant for us.  We can see people as whole people.  Not just one dimensional people who maybe forgot our birthday, broke a promise or said something without thinking.  And we can forgive because we know that they too, don’t know everything. We can forgive unwanted weight loss, parenting, and organizational advice. So someone says weight loss is as simple as “calories in, calories out”, they don’t know everything.  So someone thinks if I hadn’t had an epidural my daughter wouldn’t have learning disorders, they don’t know everything. So that person thinks that since I’m smiling at church I don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed, they don’t know everything. When we realize that none of us know everything, and we stop demanding people to be perfect, it’s easier to forgive because we have less to forgive.

Understanding that we don’t know everything can bring us peace.  It leads us to the further realization that we don’t have to know everything. So much of life is spent trying to be in the know. As I get older I realize more and more that there are a lot of things I don’t want to know and don’t need to know.  I don’t need to know the latest gossip.  I don’t need to know what goes on in the mind of a serial killer.  I don’t need to know about every terrible thing that happens in the world.  Or why my neighbors fight so much, or why people cheat on their spouses, or why someone makes different choices than me.  I can help and serve and love without knowing all of these answers.   I’m not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand, just that we don’t get them caught in a media vice.  

When we admit that we don’t know everything it allows us to focus on the few things that we do know.  It helps us to keep them more sacred and value them more.  It allows for more clarity. It allows for advancement.  It’s because of the not knowing that we take our first steps. 

But more important than my belief that I don’t know everything, is my belief that there is someone who knows everything.  And He loves me and He’s okay that I don’t know everything. He knows all the things that I don’t know and can’t know and choose not to know. He knows why some people say mean things. He knows why people fall in love. He knows why women lose babies. He knows why people can forgive me so many times even when I make such stupid mistakes. He knows why so many people feel unloved. He knows why my daughter has cerebral palsy. He knows why friends move. He knows why people lose jobs when they don’t deserve it. He knows about all the good in the world. He knows why people get sick. He knows why people are unkind to others who are different. He knows why people build walls. He knows why sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, He knows why ultimately I do anyway.  And someday we’ll have a long talk and he’ll explain it all to me and  I’ll be happy that I didn’t know it all before. Because it’s the not knowing that keeps me walking. It’s the not knowing that keeps me open.  It’s in the not knowing that living occurs.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Raspberry Fluff

 So this is one of the yummiest easiest side dishes around!  This recipe comes from my sweet friend Amelia.  She made it for a party once and my whole family was hooked.  We have it for Thanksgiving, most kids birthdays, and in between! We have it for dessert or as a side.

I love it because there's no measuring or anything.  You just dump whole containers of stuff in and it takes about 2 minutes.  It's a great recipe for letting a kid help make the meal.  I'm sure you'll love it as much as we do!

Raspberry Fluff
1 (12 oz) bag frozen raspberries
1 (8 oz) container cool whip
1 small box vanilla pudding mix
1 (32 oz.) container vanilla yogurt

Mix all ingredients together until well combined.  No need to defrost the raspberries but I usually do break them up while I'm mixing so that the juice stirs in and makes the fluff look pink :)