Thursday, October 28, 2010

Some Thoughts On Miscarriage

In my previous post I talked about how Neighbor Dorothy had some sad things happen to her in her life. One is that she had a little boy who died at age 4. I think that her radio show and the busy life that it brings is her way of dealing with the sorrow from that tragedy.

As I thought more about that I realized that a big reason that I'm starting this project is because I have had a personal struggle with going through a miscarriage! My first reaction was to lie in bed for a few days and cry. And when I was done with that my next reaction was to take on a billion projects so that I wouldn't be able to think about it anymore! Like paint the bathroom, finish the girls scrapbooks, throw a pampered chef party, volunteer at my daughters school, potty train my 2 year old, and hey...why not start a blog!!

So, I decided since I now have a new blog (thank you crazy hormonal Julia) I will use this forum to talk about what a weird and hard thing miscarriage really is! It's common enough that you don't really get too much special treatment when you go in to the obstetrician but while they might be used to it, I sure wasn't! I had no idea what was going on, I had to wait a week to get an ultrasound to make sure it really was a miscarriage, and not that many people knew I had even been pregnant so I felt pretty isolated!

I guess that the hardest thing was that I am a planner. And as soon as I found out that I was pregnant I immediately figured out when they were due, when we could get new family pictures, how far apart the kids would be, etc etc etc. So while on the outside nothing really changed (We had been a family or four and we were still going to be a family of four) I felt this great sense of loss because I'd already planned out and imagined our family with 3 children!

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a miscarriage before you start having children. It gave me great insight into what my friends with infertility must be going through. It's hard to want something so bad and not be in control of getting it. When it first started happening to me I just felt like I needed to lay down and not move. That somehow I could stop it from happening, but alas I was not in control.

The craziest thing to me was that until I had a miscarriage I don't think I'd ever talked about miscarriage with anyone. I had no idea what to expect or what the symptoms were. I didn't even know that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage! Once I finally told some of my friends the truth I was floored to find out that almost all of them had gone through at least one miscarriage themselves! So I guess that for all the time we sit around talking about child birth and epidurals and pregnancy, maybe we should give a little time to discussing miscarriage! I know it's a hard subject but I was so grateful for those who shared their stories with me and hope that someday I can pay it forward by helping someone else cope with their loss!


  1. Thanks for sharing! I'm excited to keep up on your blog! Abbie

  2. Julia, I'm so, so sorry! Your thoughts on miscarriage resonated with me. Yes, it does feel isolating, because you are hurting so much on the inside but don't feel like you can talk about it. I remember wanting to tell my friends, but they hadn't even known I was pregnant. I hadn't wanted to tell them yet "in case something happens" -- well, that was silly, because when something *did* happen, I didn't feel like I could tell them! I was afraid of how they'd respond -- would they feel obligated to give me sympathy? Or would they just brush it off? Neither of those responses seemed adequate, and so it took me many months before I told people, when most of the hurt was already gone, so not so much was weighing on their responses.

    Also, I was brand new in my ward, but I was blessed to quickly gain a new friend, my visiting teaching companion, who'd also just gone through a miscarriage (which also would have been her third baby). So I did have someone to talk to, at least.

    Thanks for sharing this. I am glad you started this blog (I'm excited to see more about *you* -- not that I don't love my nieces and my brother!).

  3. Abbie,
    Thanks for commenting! I always read your blog through facebook and then forget to go back and comment! You're descriptions of things always crack me up :-) I too love the diet virgin cuba libre! I hope you keep reading and commenting!

    Thanks for your comments! I know that we've talked about miscarriage before but I finally get some of what you had said before! I really need to call you soon and talk about this stuff (sorry I hadn't yet...I didn't really know how to bring it up) But it's been about 2 months now so I'm kind of at the point you were talking about...where the hurt has gone down so I'm open to peoples responses! And it seems like a ton of people have one before the 3rd baby...thats when my mom had her first miscarriage also. Anyway, thanks for your comments and I'm glad that people are checking out my new blog! I know that you always talk about books and recipes and things like that on your blog and I just thought that was something that was really neat! I still love my kids and husband too...I just sometimes need to prove to myself that I'm actually doing things with my time and not just washing the same dishes and folding the same clothes over and over! :-)

  4. Julia, first I think your blog is wonderful. I will definetely keep reading and let other know about it. I too went through a miscarriage before Abby and it was hard especially because Maria was pregnant at the same time. Thank you for your thoughts and I'm so sorry that you experienced this trial.

  5. Hi Julia - long time no see. I just found your blog, what a great idea. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. As one of those who has struggled with infertility for the past 2 years 8 months (but who's counting? :) ). I learned to give up the notion of planning. Of course changing your personality is hard to do, but peace and acceptance brings well...peace. It all works out in the end right?

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's funny how much we never know about our closest friends. We all struggle with something and I too wish we could all just sit around and blab about the hard truth. It would be therapeutic for all.

    Best of luck and wishes.


  6. Rachel-
    Thanks for checking out my blog! I'm sorry to hear that you had a miscarriage too! That would be hard to have a pregnant sister at the same time. I'm not really the most fun baby shower guest right now if you know what I mean :-) Thanks for your comment!

    I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with this right now! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I definitely have to talk about things when I'm going through something. I agree that we should sit around and blab! :-) Where are you guys living right now? Thanks for finding my blog! I hope you keep commenting!

  7. Julia,

    We're still in Provo. Good times :). Things are good. You can check out my blog at:

    Love to see your cute family.


  8. Brittney,
    My sister Christina lives in Provo too(like right on the line between Provo and Springville!) I will definitely check out your blog!